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1. Doing literally what you want to do - unproductive things - when at home makes working feel way better than it does.

2. Work feels like dread nowadays because back then there was a understandable limit about how much money could serve you. There was no expectation of being a millionaire or not working. People worked to get their bills paid and eat. There were no great ambitions and if there were, they were accidental. Nowadays we live to work so we can go home and think about having more money so we can buy this or taht or invest and stop working, et cetera. Life is more than that. Every now and then I get the impression that there must be a mindset in which you make *enough* money and you can go home and play games or do art without feeling this weird guilt.

3. I've lost myself and I've realized that the only way to recover is to burn all that was earned and commit to being truthful to everything, absolutely everything.

4. I often have this weird sensation of the "aliveness" of other people. I spend so much time in my mind that it feels really strange that other people have physicial point of views, physical impressions and autonomy. It makes me more empathetic and a bit afraid of how much I could have mistreated others by not realizing that they were people like me. A demon tells me that I'm the only one with - that - the mind, the life, the breath of vitality. I feel like the protagonist but everyone else does too I guess. I've always had trouble perceiving the humanity in people, and weirdly enough, the white of the eye is the key to doing that for me

5. More often than ever I think that I'm not the marriable type. I'm too independent. I don't like to feel burdened. I feel consumed by others expectations and imaginary expectations. I feel guilty. I don't want to lead anyone to hell for the love that they feel by me. I love but I'm not a lover. I really really like to be alone, could be all the time - making enough to live and do what I want when I want, all alone. Feels like a dream to me.

6. My former therapist said that I'm a schizoid. I agree. I really like to be alone. I couldn't care less about the validation of others. Sadly I'm aloof, but I care, more rationally than emotionally. Sometimes I like to hang out with friend, family, girlfriend, but I feel like I have to be in control of when to leave. I really like sex but the sensation that I have an emotional debt after it depresses me. Charging my emotion depresses me. Charging me with certain way of doing and living. I don't like that.